Since it is not our goal to decide whether a book is well written, but only if it's godless, profane, and therefore dangerous, we don't need to review new releases exclusively. You can go read the ratings on amazon.com for that. And a high rating really doesn't mean we like a book, or vice versa. Think of it like the Homeland Security rating system. Only... more essential.
We sat down to discuss exactly what would make a book profane and godless? What kind of book would Satan see as spreading his message, according to a standard Judeo-Christian definition of the Devil? We came up with a list of things:
profanity
nudity
homosexuality, any sexuality other than hetero
bad things happening to children
sex before marriage
promiscuity
underage drinking
recreational drug use
excessive drinking
reproductive choice
sexually stimulating passages
biologically deviant behavior
acts of violence
deviant sexual behavior
any gods mentioned other than christian god
any religions mentioned other than christianity
any mention of satan
any criticism of christianity
atheism
adultery
use of pornography
criticism of the united states of america
bad grammar
unwed pregnancy
evolution as fact
lewd behavior
pervasive vulgarity
teenage rebellion
crimes against man [without justice]
crimes against god
irreverence
sacrilege
unpatriotic acts
impurity
preternatural events or characters
magic
wizards and witches
gay marriage
gay pride
absolutely anything good happening to a gay person
communism
disobedient children
worshipping false idols
Not to mention your general, basic seven deadly....
greed
gluttony
anger
pride
evny
sloth
lust
Hooboy, that is a lot of sin! All that and more is taken into account, when reviewing a book for Satan's bookclub. After compiling a list of components found in a book, they are fed into our FileMaker Pro database. To determine the score, we run a top secret formula, designed in conjunction with the now defunct Institut de Développement Theologique de Montreal d'Archaïque Seminaire de Montreal and this guy we know who dropped out of the math program at University of Oklahoma*. Additionally, we use such time honored methods as hi-lighters, stickies, notepades, the margins of books, and the seat of our pants.
It's fairly obvious that we are going to hell, handbasket or otherwise, and if we can save you, and your soul, once smidgen of the damage we've inflicted upon ourselves, our work here is not in vain. However, if it is your intention to party with us in the Eight Circle of Hell, grab a book sinners! And remember... it stays, oh yes, it stays.
*Obviously, already suffering the wrath of his S.Baptist parents for dropping out of school, he wishes to remain nameless.
