Recently in Reviews Category

If you know me, you know I collect Tarot Card decks. I'm intrigued by their art, symbolism and archetypal nature. I know, however, that these are considered sinful. I have had more than one helpful, concerned Christian friend point this out to me. Using the tarot, or any form of divination, is tapping into negative powers, powers usually controlled by someone like Satan. Meant to trick you, and sway you over to his side. Additionally, attempting to obtain information about the future is an attempt to usurp God's Plan, not to mention his Power. Only He needs to know what's going to happen. Just read your bible kids, that's all you need to know.

So, since Andromeda Klein by Frank Portman has a picture of a tarot card, the 3 of Swords, right on the cover, you know it is going to be bad for you. Hooray!

Andromeda Klein is the story of an outcast. Because stories about popular kids are boring, duh. Things are kind of tough for Andromeda. She has unfortunate hair. Her mom is kind of ... horrible. Seriously, a bit fascist. She's caught the attention of a school bully. Her much older boyfriend has reappeared after months of absence and seems to want to take their text relationship to a naughty level. And her dead friend, and partner in magic, seems to be contacting her from the great beyond.

Not unlike his previous book, King Dork, there is a bit of mystery to Andromeda Klein. Why is the message the dead Daisy is trying to convey to her? Why has St. Steve suddenly reappeared? And why are the so-called "Friends of the Library" purging her precious 133 section. (133 - Dewey Decimal classification for Parapsychology and Occultism. I have a friend who knows the DD system by heart, arranges his books accordingly. I'd like to see him do the same with the Library of Congress System. Library dork fun!)

I thoroughly enjoyed all the occult and magic and fun in this book. I have read other reviews that mention the incredibly saturated beginning of the book. It's true, there is a dizzying amount of occult minutia thrown at you. As well as a lexicon Andromeda has created due to her poor hearing. This can be a distraction for someone with as much potential for sin as I. I constantly wanted to get up and google more information on the things about which I was reading. Press on, I say. You will soon get into the rhythm. Not to mention the fact that Frank Portman includes a glossary in the back. He's making it as easy as possible without dumbing down his story, kids. Say thank you.

I have heard that Dr. Frank, aka: Frank Portman, is planning to write a sequel to King Dork, which thrills me no end. I would also like to appeal to him to sequel about Andromeda. She is someone I would definitely like to follow. She is incredibly smart, a gifted mathematician, and creative. I hope she does create her twenty-two volume opus of magical history, theory and practice - Liber Klein. I mean, if she were real, which she's not. She's a character in a book, I know the difference. Sometimes. (Still waiting for my letter, Hogwarts!)

Bad deeds included in this book:

• use of divination tools, such as scrying and tarot cards
• belief and practice in the occult
• worshiping false gods
• disrespect of parents
• underage drinking
• smoking the pot
• beliefe in ghosts
• manifestation of dead people
• manifestation of demons
• clairolfaction aka: psychic smelling
• lying
• trespassing
• self administered prison tats
• sex before marriage
• text foreplay
• improper use of library card
• excess earwax buildup

There might be some I missed, but I got caught up in the story and forgot to update my List o' Sin sitting next to me on the couch. I really struggled with a rating on this one. Sometimes it's hard for people like me to believe something of interest is THAT big of a sin. Although, worshipping other gods before Him, IS on the Top Ten List of Life Instructions supposedly delivered to us by Moses. For that reason, I am giving it 4 Bad Apples.

I feel certain this book will be challenged by parents. If Andromeda had been openly gay, it would have earned at least another half apple. Parents seem to be really upset when someone in a book is gay. 

Well, I do not rightly know how to explain “"trash sex magic",” other than to assure you, there are forces at work in this book, and they aren’t working for Jesus. It’s the story of Raedawn Sommershoe and her mother Gelia, who live in a trailer on the bank of the Fox river. Rae and her mother have a magical connection to nature in all it’s carnal, sexy glory. Their lives, and the lives of the other odd characters living along side them, are endangered when the meadow across US 31 is torn down to make way for condos. Alexander Caebeau, exiled from his home in the Bahamas by his magical granny, is getting tired of tearing down trees, putting up buildings, and getting fat on hamburgers. When he meets Rae, things start to change for, and about, Alexander, spring goes on hyper drive, the river starts to rise and nature gets seriously pissed off with commercial real estate planners.

This book is dank, dark and swampy, you feel moist just reading it. It smells of mold and musk, and it makes you sneeze with the pollen it puts off. There is a lot of heat in this story, and it's not a dry heat, kids. It's sticky, green, sweaty and... oh, ok, slutty, in it's lushness.

Oh, how many delicious, warm, slick, animalistic ways does this book endanger your soul? Almost too many to count. There’s alcoholism, drug use, incest, racism, spousal abuse, violence, greed, paganism, therianthropy, worshipping of false idols, tree homicide, magic, extreme nudity, underage sex, dirty sex, animal sex, fish sex, bug sex, mud sex, tree sex, homosexual sex, evil real estate tycoons threatening the lives of small children and immoral insurances salesmen. It gets a four out of five just for making you think that there might be magic in nature that exists outside of God's plan. As if!

"The monkey gods are going to laugh when I bowl with the skulls of those guys that burnt J.C."

Down on Ponce by Fred Willard is one of your better buddy-crime novels. A tender story of five misfits who find a common bond in lifelong dedication to crime, it has everything I like in it. It’s noir, It’s strange. It’s insane, violent, funny, clever and brilliant. It’s a little bit twisted and sick. And if you read it, you may not go straight to hell, but a print out of your soul will be kept on file, and it will go down in your permanent record.

Ponce de Leon Avenue is called “Ponce” by locals and is a haven for “the homeless, the lawless and the restless” in Atlanta. Sam, is an ex-drug lord, pulled out of retirement and caught up in a conspiracy. When his friend Jimmy is killed while trailer-sitting for him, he figures someone should pay. He goes to Atlanta to hide out, and make plans. There he meets Charley, a rockabilly ex-con who drives a hearse as Death’s personal representative to the city of Atlanta. With Charley comes Stinky Lloyd, an amputee in a wheelchair, and Half Moon Bob, who used to be called Full Moon Bob before he lost half his round face to cancer. Together, this crew of crime geniuses is missing only one member: Bug Raiford, currently incarcerated in a Federal Mental Hospital. Sam's plan is simple.
Step One: Set up new identity, introduce yourself to the Bad Guys
Step Two: Break Bug out of the loony bin.
Step Three: Double cross baddies, steal millions of dollars while avoiding murderous white Rastafarians from Hoboken and exacting revenge upon the forces that double crossed you, killed your friend, and blew up your trailer.

There is a lot of sin in this book including your recreational drug use, profit from crime, theft, murder, adulterous sexual relations, child abuse, high cholesterol, homosexuality, institutionalized schooling, homoerotic arts and crafts depicting political leaders, fetus flingers, foul language, false idolatry, mental illness, psychotic lawyers, and a general mocking, disrespectful attitude towards Republicans, God, and the King James Bible. It is therefore, with infinite sadness, I must say that if you are at all concerned about your soul, you will need to avoid this book. If you decide to risk it, you'll be rewarded with some of the wittiest dialog in the tri-state area. You'll find yourself quoting some of the better bits, and pushing the book at your friends, so they can understand your genius.

I give it four pentacles. Why not five? If you are going to get Five Star Evil, you have to make me shudder at the depravity, I have to abandon all hope, because I know my soul is doomed. There is a respectable level of wickedness in Down on Ponce, but trust me, it's worth it.

"I don't have any faith either, but I guess if I was going to build an altar and bow down to somebody it would be Jerry Lee Lewis."